How to woo a woman … or don’t be a douche

It’s no secret in my social circle that I’m a guys kind of girl. I watch sports, I laugh at raunchy jokes and can drink with the best of ‘em. In fact, it wasn’t until late in my life that I developed close friendships with more than a handful of women. One thing I hear repeatedly from my multitude of guy friends is that they just don’t understand what the hell is up with the opposite sex. Ironically, I feel the exact same way about the opposite sex (men are a freaking enigma to me). But, as a woman, I’m always quick to defend the fairer sex, telling my male buddies in no uncertain terms that there’s absolutely nothing ‘up with us’ ladies. We’re really not that difficult to understand; it’s all about the little things! So, as my New Year’s gift to all you guys out there, here are my secrets to attracting and keeping the right woman around for the long haul:

1. Cook dinner for her. Any asshole can take a woman to a fancy restaurant, drop some coin and come out looking like a rock star but a man who can and will cook a nice meal is priceless. I’m not saying that taking a lady out to a fancy meal is a no go (we do love that too; particularly when you know how to order a good bottle of wine) but it means so much more when said meal is made with your own two hands and the wine is uncorked by candlelight at your dining room table.

2. Open doors. Nothing says respect like a man who opens doors for his lady. I know a lot of women say it’s not necessary and some even go so far as feeling insulted, but I say it’s courteous and also a nice homage to days gone by when men actually had to woo a woman. Try it the next time she’s getting in the car and see what reaction you get. I promise you, the majority of the time, it will be just the one you want. Now, just don’t stop doing it or you’ll be in a world of trouble.

3. Do things without her asking. The only thing women love more than feeling like they’ve been heard is when a man actually listens and solves the issue without showing off like a prize peacock. If her graphic designer is really late on the business cards he was supposed to design and you have a talent for it, make them yourself as a spontaneous gift. It’s thoughtful and you’ll be a hero in the making. Just be careful not to overstep her boundaries or go all agro with the guy who gave her a bad hair cut.

4. A little PDA goes a long way. I’m not saying stick your tongue down her throat in front of her friends but a woman loves to feel like she’s the center of your attention. And there’s no quicker way to make her feel that than to whisper little secrets in her ear or hold her hand when walking into a room. Trust me, this will pay off in spades when you get back home at the end of the day.

5. Wait to have sex. Now, I’m no prude, and I’m certainly not saying no kissing, no touching, abstain until marriage. I’m just saying it really hits a woman in her G spot when a man attempts to get to know her before hopping in the sack. There’s no cardinal rule about when it’s ‘time‘ but suffice it to say that if you’ve wisely used the time off to really get to know your lady, she’ll be chomping at the bit to do the deed.

It’s really not that hard guys. Now that you’ve got the key to a woman’s heart, don’t abuse it! There are already too many douchebags out there who have nailed these behaviors and use them as a schtick. We may not spot you right away but we will in time, so remember hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And don’t use the knowledge to attract the crazies (you know who you are) or you just might end up with all your worldly possessions in a burning pile on the front lawn.

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